"I" Statements

This is one of the most important skills you can acquire. A good rule of thumb is: "If you have a problem, make an 'I' statement. If you are helping someone with a problem, make empathy responses." An "I" statement consists of a description of how you feel and an indication of the conditions under which you feel that way. It takes this form: "I feel (your emotions) when (under what conditions)."

"I" statements do not judge, blame, threaten, put down or try to control others; they simply report how you feel, which is rarely challengeable by anyone else. When you make an "I" statement, you are taking responsibility for your emotions. "I" statements inform others about your feelings and, thus, may lead to change, but they do not demand change or direct others. They leave the other person responsible and free to decide if he/she will change to accommodate your needs.

Purposes

    Consider using "I" statements:

• any time you want to share your feelings or desires in a frank, unthreatening, undemanding way. When you are trying to disclose more about yourself to build a relationship.

   

• any time stress is experienced in a relationship, especially if you are feeling angry or dissatisfied or if the other person is resistive to changing in response to your requests or demands.

   

• if both parties have problems, i.e. both of you can take turns giving "I" statements and giving empathy responses.

   

• if the other person is using a lot of "you" (blaming, critical) statements, try to translate them into "I" statements and empathize with the accuser's feelings.

In order to communicate our feelings clearly, we must, of course, be aware of them, comfortable or at least accepting of them, and able to accurately express the feelings in words. When we lack this awareness, acceptance, or verbal skill, our feelings are likely to be expressed indirectly and ineffectively, as in these "you" statements (adapted partly from Johnson, 1981):

You statements	"I" statements
Blaming: "You make me so mad."	"I feel angry when you _____." Or, "I have chosen to let it bother me when you _____."
Judging or labeling: "You are an inconsiderate, hostile, arrogant creep."	"I feel betrayed when you criticize me in front of others."
Accusing: "You don't give a damn about me!"	"I feel neglected when you avoid me."
Ordering: "You shut up!"	"I feel annoyed when you call me names and make fun of me."
Questioning: "Are you always this flirtatious?" or "Why did you do that? I feel like slapping your face."	"I really feel insecure about our relationship when you flirt."
Arguing: "You don't know what you are talking about."	"I feel convinced it is this way."
Sarcasm: "Of course, you are an expert!"	"I would like you a lot more if you were a bit more humble."
Approving: "You are wonderful." "You are attractive."	"I really am impressed with your _____ and besides I like you. I am attracted to you."
Disapproval: "You are terrible."	"I feel crushed when you seem only interested in spending my money."
Threatening: "You had better..."	"I'd like it if you'd ..."
Moralizing: "You ought to ..."	"I think it would be fair for you to..."
Treating: "You need to rest and..."	"I'd like to be helpful to you."
Supporting: "It will get better."	"I'm sorry you feel ..."
Analyzing: "You can't stand to leave your mother!"	"I'm disappointed that you are so reluctant to leave..."

Note that many of the "you" statements are intended to exert power, to control, to intimidate, or to put down the other person. They are not statements made by non-judgmental, mutually respecting equals. They are authoritarian statements made by manipulators. That's why Gordon (1975) recommended "I" statements to parents when talking to children. Watch out for "you" statements.

Personal responsibility is avoided in other ways too: we use "we," "it" or "they" when we are trying to depersonalize our comment and/or vaguely conceal our feelings or opinions. Sometimes we use "we" when trying to make it sound like a lot of people agree with us, while in reality no one has authorized us to speak for them. We should take responsibility for expressing our own opinions or feelings.

Examples:

We, it, they statements	"I" statements
"Most people would have an affair if they wouldn't get caught."	"I would have an affair if..."
"The group isn't interested in ..."	"I don't think the group cares..."
"The glass slipped out of my hand."	"I dropped the glass."
"People have a hard time with math."	"I am ashamed of my math score."
"The group is trying to help you."	"I want to understand you but I'm having a hard time."
"This weather is depressing."	"I feel depressed."
"This class is boring."	"I feel bored."

In summary,

• An "I" statement may have 2 to 4 parts: (a) it is a self-disclosure, referring to "I," "me" or "my," (b) it expresses a feeling, urge or impulse, (c) it may describe the other person's behavior which is related to your feelings, and (d) it may indicate what you would like to see changed, much like an assertive statement.

   

• Assume responsibility for your feelings and opinions, don't hide behind the "it" or the editorial "we."

   

• Avoid stating personal opinions as facts and avoid the over-generalizations sometimes implied by forms of the verb "to be," like "are," "is," "am" and so on..

Clearly, giving an "I" statement is more constructive than giving an order, an accusation, a moral judgment, and so on. However, this is not an easy concept to grasp. The pronoun "you" is used all the time, many uses are not bad. Try to become aware of the undesirable ways you use "you."

Table of Contents