What is friendship?
Friendship is an in-depth relationship. Friendships are comfortable and
relaxed. Friendship requires meeting the needs of both friends. It is an
in-depth relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty,
understanding, empathy, and intimacy. Being able to trust and relax with your
best friend is a big part of friendship. Friendships are relationships.
It is an in-depth relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty,
understanding, empathy, and intimacy. Aspects of life that all of us crave.
Being able to trust and relax with your friend is a big part of friendship.
Remember when you were young and went with a friend to her grandma's for the
week-end. It was fun but when you got home, home was wonderful. Your feeling was
"I'm home. I can relax now." Friendships are relaxed, loyal relationships that
involve intimacy, communication, and empathy. Friendship is a relief. Friends
relate.
That's what a friendship should be. You go out into the world and do your best.
You have your ups and downs, your problems and triumphs, your fun and
vicissitudes. You charm and you perform.
Then you come "home" to a friend. You can relax, put up your feet; you are
relieved. If you still have to be charming and/or performing, it's not a relief.
Friendship is a comfy situation like home. You get home, kick off your shoes,
relax and sigh, "Ahh, home."
But no one can form a friendship until he/she realizes that the basis of being
friends is meeting the needs of the other person. One must be a friend to have
one.
Never forget that friends relate. Relating is the basis of friendship.
Building Friendships
In most cases, the transition from acquaintance to friendship occurs gradually.
We reach out to offer friendship by offering a potential friend caring,
listening, talking, sharing, accepting, and affirming. It takes time and effort
to build a friendship. They are built slowly, slowly, slowly...Yet, nothing can
add more to your life than having truly intimate friends. "Just friends" is a
goal worth pursuing!
Friendships can take up to three years to build! And building friendships is
much the same for children as adults, but a bit quicker!
Self-Disclosure builds friendships
Self-disclosure is usually the first step in establishing a confidant. And it is
scary because of the potential rejection factor. Do it anyway!
Start by sharing a few private thoughts and/or feelings with one person you
might want for a close friend. If the person is responsive, he/she will usually
share a personal thought or two with you.
If he/she is not responsive to your overtures, don't think of this as a
rejection. People may be non-responsive for reasons of their own or merely as a
perception of yours. Nevertheless, they can't be rejecting you because they
don't even know you yet.
Listening and acknowledging builds friendships
Often when your child, lover/partner, or friend tells you a story or voices a
complaint, he/she is just asking for acknowledgment.
This does not mean that he/she wants agreement or compliance; it merely
indicates a desire to be heard and understood.
Try these three steps to acknowledgment:
1. Repeat back.
2. Don't invalidate.
3. Don't try to change.
4. Don't problem solve.
Many conflicts in your personal relationships can be avoided if you will take
the time to acknowledge other's feelings and points of view.
Listening and attending builds friendships
Paying attention to someone is called "attending." It means that your ears, your
eyes, your body and your feelings are all focused on that person at one time.
Attending is a very important part of any relationship. It includes:
1. Being there physically
2. Focusing
3. Eye contact
Looking at and focusing on another person shows that you are "there for
him/her."
Talking Is a Primary Building Block of Friendships
Talking is an integral component of friendship.
When a friend talks and reveals ideas or feelings, he/she is expecting shared
information in return. When the talk is not equal, the person talking feels as
if the listener is uninterested.
In fact, the person who is always the listener is really playing the role of a
counselor, not a friend. Anytime you have been talking for more than a minute or
two without participation from the person you are talking to, you are lecturing,
bossing, or putting that person in the role of a counselor.
Loyalty, Equality, and Respect Build Friendship
Friends are equal. Without equality, you can't have a close friendship.
Friends are loyal and trustworthy. No one can confide in someone they can not
trust to be loyal and to keep his/her secrets.
Friends have similar values. Our value system is so important to us that our
friends' values must be close to our own or we will not have respect for this
friend.
Allow Time for Friendships to Grow!
Jan Yager, Ph.D., author of Friendshifts, says that it takes at least three
years for "best friends" to evolve. She writes, "One of the reasons
tried-and-true friendships take three years to evolve is that working through
initial conflicts will determine if a friendship has staying power.
(from CyberParent.com)