Listening and Empathy
Listen first and acknowledge what you hear, even if you don't agree with it, before expressing your experience or point of view.
In order to get more of your conversation partner's attention in tense
situations, pay attention first: listen and give a brief restatement of what you
have heard (especially feelings) before you express your own needs or position.
Acknowledging another person's thoughts and feelings does not have to
mean that you approve of or agree with that person's actions or way of
experiencing, or that you will do whatever someone asks.
By listening and then repeating back in your own words the essence and feeling
of what you have just heard, from the speaker's point of view, you allow the
speaker to feel the satisfaction of being understood, (a major human
need). Listening responsively is always worthwhile as a way of letting people
know that you care about them. When a conversation is tense or difficult
it is even more important to listen first and acknowledge what you hear.
Otherwise, your chances of being heard by the other person may be very poor.
Listening to others helps others to listen.
In learning to better coordinate our life activities with the life activities
of others, we would do well to resist two very popular (but terrible) models of
communication: arguing a case in court and debating. In courts and debates, each
side tries to make its own points and listens to the other side only to tear
down the other side's points. Since the debaters and attorneys rarely have to
reach agreement or get anything done together, it doesn't seem to matter how
much ill will their conversational style generates. But most of us are in a very
different situation. We probably spend most of our lives trying to arrange
agreement and cooperative action, so we need to be concerned about engaging
people, not defeating them.
When people are upset about something and want to talk about it their capacity
to listen is greatly diminished. Trying to get your point across to a person who
is trying to express a strong feeling will usually cause the other person to try
even harder to get that emotion recognized. On the other hand, once people
feel that their messages and feelings have been heard, they start to relax and
they have more attention available for listening.
The power of simple acknowledging.
The practice of responsive listening described here separates acknowledging
the thoughts and feelings that a person expresses from approving, agreeing,
advising, or persuading. Acknowledging another person's thoughts and feelings...
...still leaves you the option of agreeing or disagreeing with that person's
point of view, actions or way of experiencing.
...still leaves you with the option of saying yes or no to a request.
...still leaves you with the option of saying more about the matter being
discussed.
People want both: to be understood and acknowledged on the one
hand, and to be approved and agreed with, on the other. With
practice, you can learn to respond first with a simple acknowledgment. As you do
this, you may find that, figuratively speaking, you can give your conversation
partners half of what they want, even if you can't give them all of what they
want. In many conflict situations that will be a giant step forward. Your
conversation partners will also be more likely to acknowledge your position and
experience, even if they don't sympathize with you.
As you listen to the important people in your life, give very
brief summaries of the experiences they are talking about and name the want or
feeling that appears to be at the heart of the experience. For example:
"So you were really happy about that..."
"So you drove all the way over there and they didn't have the part they promised
you on the phone. What a let-down...
"Sounds like you wanted a big change in that situation..."
"Wow. Your dog got run over. You must be feeling really terrible..."
The point here is to empathize, not to advise. If you added to
that last statement, "That total SLOB!!! You should sue that person who ran over
your dog. People need to pay for their mistakes, etc.", you would be taking over
the conversation and also leading the person away from her or his feelings and
toward your own.
Such compassionate listening is a powerful resource for navigating through life,
and it also makes significant demands on us as listeners. We may need to learn
how to hold our own ground while we restate someone else's position. That takes
practice. We also have to be able to listen to people's criticisms or complaints
without becoming disoriented or totally losing our sense of self worth. That
requires cultivating a deeper sense of self worth, which is no small project.